28 January, 2008

Color of loneliness

Marwa Rakha had a post with the same title. Think she chose purple or a shade of purple. For me, it is the darkest shade of blue before it turns black. In the sky after the sunset, or the sea in a moonless night or dark blue ink. For me it is associated with the glass of old houses painted with it to stop the light from escaping during the time of war.

It has no warmth in it, not a bright or shining color and feel this is the color filling me from the inside.
It has nothing to do with being “alone” but all to do with being “lonely” bardo it has nothing to do with having spare time as it relates more to moments you wish someone is really around. A void inside is created and it is filled with this color and the void is getting larger and larger.

Things I miss.

People I can let my guards down when I am with them
Going to a café after work for a friendly chat or a quick snack before lunch
Going to the cinema on Saturdays afternoon
Long walks along the knornesh
A peaceful drive
Going to Cairo to see Her.
A call from a friend just checking on me and not asking for anything
Going to a nice place for a complete lunch or dinner
Long talks, though I am not talkative but seems lama asada2 2ala2i forsah to talk and spill it all out

All the things above involved sharing it with someone. All the someones now are gone, and when doing them by myself just increases the color of loneliness

3 comments:

bibo said...

it's not the first one i'm waiting for .... Still waiting

Shimaa Gamal said...

For me the color of loneliness have always been gray. A cold tone of gray, something like the clouds blocking the warming sun of Cairo these days.
You are right, loneliness has nothing to do with being alone. I have always said, I am lonely only when people are around. And yes it has nothing to do with spare time, believe me I have suffered less of the loneliness episodes since I started having less pressure and more spare time. Pressure in the fuel that feeds loneliness Because it is when you look around to find someone to ease that pressure and you discover that there is no body there.
Still my color of loneliness will always be a cold tone of gray. That leave a shiver into a sole.

There is a trick that I always do when I feel lonely. I usually pick a friend and lean on him. I ask him for a happy thought to sleep. And write him long emails about the nonsense I feel. Unlike you I am lucky I can let down my shields so easily. I do anything just to warm that shade of gray.
Ah, if you couldn't ease ur loneliness, you can always eat it away :) :) :) I have always did and that why in Neverland you will never gain weight :) heya na2sa loneliness and weight gain :)

Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

i am so touched by this post to the extent that i dunno what to say... i am speechless

but enough to say: i feel the same
thanks dear for expressing some of the mysteries inside