28 January, 2008

Color of loneliness

Marwa Rakha had a post with the same title. Think she chose purple or a shade of purple. For me, it is the darkest shade of blue before it turns black. In the sky after the sunset, or the sea in a moonless night or dark blue ink. For me it is associated with the glass of old houses painted with it to stop the light from escaping during the time of war.

It has no warmth in it, not a bright or shining color and feel this is the color filling me from the inside.
It has nothing to do with being “alone” but all to do with being “lonely” bardo it has nothing to do with having spare time as it relates more to moments you wish someone is really around. A void inside is created and it is filled with this color and the void is getting larger and larger.

Things I miss.

People I can let my guards down when I am with them
Going to a café after work for a friendly chat or a quick snack before lunch
Going to the cinema on Saturdays afternoon
Long walks along the knornesh
A peaceful drive
Going to Cairo to see Her.
A call from a friend just checking on me and not asking for anything
Going to a nice place for a complete lunch or dinner
Long talks, though I am not talkative but seems lama asada2 2ala2i forsah to talk and spill it all out

All the things above involved sharing it with someone. All the someones now are gone, and when doing them by myself just increases the color of loneliness


Mozdalefa is a place between Arafaa and Menaa. Muslims are supposed to spend the night over in this place after Arafaa day. It is meant to be a place for rest and gathering strength before a long day yet to come.

I almost cried when leaving Arafaa, just the same feeling that overwhelms me when Ramadan is over. And added to this the view of tens of old people and I mean really old people who didn’t find a place on the bus to leave. We helped them as much as we can, gathered them, their luggage in one place, and a promise from one of the officers they will start moving in a couple of hours by maximum as soon as new busses arrive.

And the march started, and in its end it involved climbing down a steep trench, climbing up a small rocky hill. Stepping on and over sleeping people who totally blocked all entrances to Mozdalefa
Whenever I needed a hand I just reached out not knowing who will pull me up or stop me from sliding, but I always find a hand. I look out to this night, and I see God’s mercy on us, no one slide, or got hurt.

Finally we found a spot, opened the tent for my sister and my friend’s sister and lie down for a couple of hours before heading to Menaa. was thirsty, but no bottled water in sight, just a bathroom and tens of people are “fighting” for their turn. Couldn’t find a bottle to fill and bring back to my sister. My friend did manage and got some oranges.

The ironic thing that on our way to Arafaa their were tens of big trucks distributing water and food for hojaj heading to Arafa. I saw people taking a bottle of water, drinking a sip and then throwing it, to pick another bottle 5 minutes later and do the same thing.

Was in my 2e7ram which changed from bright white to grey, sleeping in the street, dead tiered, broses all over my feet and on my eye level only feet of people passing by trying hard to avoid stepping on me. Had plenty of money, but it was useless. Couldn’t be identified by the type of clothes I wear or the company I hang with, no one knew my education or work experience. The “I” meant nothing. You just depend on Allah and kindness of people around you.

What crossed my mind at this point was the similarity between me and the homeless people we come across in the street and pretend they don’t exist or feel this quick feeling of pity that strongly washes away as the scenery changes.

Whenever I see homeless people now I remember how it felt and the payback I should settle.

One last thought. A comprehension I had years ago, about a young urban dude who as he was walking in a garden on his way to work, spotted a homeless when he looked closer to he discovered it was his ex-boss. …………..

23 January, 2008

the list and the reward

Things I want to blog about as soon as possible

Sense, Sensitivity and sensibility
Color of loneliness
Dr. jackal and Mr. Hide
My blog sphere status

ones perceived value

suddenly i felt the urge for chocolate, every one of them represent a totally different state of mind that i experimented all in less than 5 minutes .
first comment pls help me in choosing one of the posts to write about first and in return your favorite type of chocolate wil be sent to you. ( pic of the type u chose will eb e-mailed asap)

16 January, 2008

2008 calendar

in the little box you will find the 2008 calendar. the "pooh calendar". chk it out and download it.and if u find it useful, drop me a line.


u can chk this link if the box doesnt show in the sidebar. u will c all its contents


12 January, 2008

state of mmmmmm, my union


state of the union is like bayan el 7okoma in egypt. the post is about reflections in a past year.

Cant believe it is 2 weeks since my return, nothing had changed, yet everything changed.
A friend got a divorce, another got engaged, few friends resigned, others traveled. Blogs disappeared without a trace, others stopped blogging and others went deep undercover.

Friends stopped answering phones or e-mails and others are reaching out for companionship because they feel lost.

People are getting more and more autistic, just enclosing themselves in their own world and worries and not carrying for or about others.
More and more people are getting hurt, and they recover slowly awi and sometimes they don’t even recover, don’t know if the reason is they don’t recover quickly or the hurt becomes more and more deep.

As for me, I am praying the light I am seeing in the end of the tunnel to be the exit, not a full speed train coming towards me.

This pic was taken in el masjed el nabawi, may be 2am, was hoping to sit in El Rawda, but alas tough luck, and as I waited for a spot to clear and gave up hope a complete stranger with a language I cant recognize pulled me, made me stand in his spot and pointed out 2 for numbers of raka3at, I did pray, gave him his spot back and went back, the mobile cam do great injustice for the place. While people were literally fighting for their spot in the Rawda, I had my own peace of heaven for a while in this spot.

One last thing, I would really like thank all fellow blogers who leave me comments and welcomed me back and for the MIAs to appear again.

New year prayers for Egypt, may it survive 2008 and to be a better kinder place to live in.

Ba7ebek, wa7ashteni, goes for Egypt and Her.

07 January, 2008

on the lighter side of the news, i am a

Which Winnie the Pooh Character Are You?

You are Winnie the Pooh. Oh, bother. You are sweet, simple, and popular for your honesty and goodwill. Though you may be the biggest personality in the woods, you sometimes need the help of others in the brains department!
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

03 January, 2008

Random Thoughts

El hamdulelah, I am back, think inshaa allah will be writing my thoughts about the journey it self, but the thing that strikes me the most and is getting me back on the keyboard again after almost a week of sheer laziness in bed is how people perceive people who came from hij.

The first shocking impression when I met some female friends, the first question they asked, do u still shake hands with women???!!!! Other more interesting questions include think you will stop going to the movies, you wont be watching TV anymore, you will spend less time online and will I start dropping certain people from my life.

I am sure the journey of hij is very special, and it touches the lives of everyone who ventured into it in a special way.
Some may be touched in experiencing closeness to Allah in a special way, others may reflect on their view of life or their relation with others, some others may not feel anything but without knowing they may turn out to be the ones who truly changed. And others just fake the change.

A friend told me she benefited from the hij that she started talking to Allah more. Others made promises in the most sacred places that they will stop doing bad things and be better humans and muslims.

I started thinking how Hij has touched me, yes I did have my moments of spirituality and feeling close to Allah. But the thing that touched me the most is the change inside me regarding the ego part.

Don’t know how to describe it, but the way how u look to yourself and value it, the way how you stereotype yourself and set limits of what you can and cant do. This part of me was redefined.

i slept in the street, covered by rags, I felt really hungry and thirsty but couldn’t find food or water despite having lots of money and despite me being who I am. People did feel pity for me and shared the little food and water they had with me. Slept in a sleeping bag near a toilette with water all around me and a man I don’t even know his name or who he were came, let me sleep in his spot and he tugged himself between the feet of other sleepers. Total strangers took my hands and led the way and I trusted them, giving me a hand and pulling me away from harms way.

Made extraordinary friend ship with people I don’t know their names or language and when it was bye-bye time tears came flowing with a hope to meet again probably in the after life.

Interesting part was letting go, cause I couldn’t control anything, my worst fears did come true, but only to show me they weren’t my worst fears and despite occurring things still turned out to be great.

Took important decisions about my life, and I am not afraid and inshaa Allah will follow them through, cause my worst fears turned out to be nothing.

I did pray a lot for a lot of people, for people I don’t know their names remembered the strangest people and prayed for them, I prayed for Egypt and Germany, just cause a friend of mine asked me to do so.

For the ones reading this, most probably I prayed for you, so pls pray back for mercy and strength.

this picture was taken in the early hours of Arafa people moving form Mena to Arafa, this picture and no words can describe the glory of such moment.